


Why I love the moon

by Kuro_Guardian



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Bittersweet Ending, Boss Battle Fights, Earn Your Bittersweet Ending, F/F, Friendship is not magic, Gen, Lots of chapters, Massively AU, Mood Whiplash, Multiple Deaths, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Selfish Pearl is Selfish, Slice of Life, Violent Renegade!Pearl, not fluffy, slave!Peridot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-29
Updated: 2018-05-22
Packaged: 2018-08-27 16:26:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 20,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8408605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kuro_Guardian/pseuds/Kuro_Guardian
Summary: “Okay, so maybe… Just maybe – maybe I want it to mean something. Maybe I want the gems I cracked and crushed and bubbled to have not been in vain. Or more likely maybe I just want to be vindictive. Maybe I just want the diamonds to fail…maybe I want their pathetic little plans to crash and burn while I spit on the ashes. Or maybe it’s both or maybe I loved them – Pink Diamond and Rose and they loved this worthless little mud ball and so I’m going to protect it even if I hate it. Why not?”===Or the one where Pearl harvests parts from broken ships and leaves on a “brief” jaunt only to return to a world where Rose is dead and there’s something called a Steven. Massively AU – also rather aggressive Pearl, because I can’t do woobie!Pearl to save my life.=================================!!!Finally found my stupid zip drive!!! Thank you to LilPhatFox for writing the review that kept me looking for it.





	1. Just a brief jaunt...

Pearls are dedicated. Pearls are submissive. Pearls do not build or pilot. Pearls are meant to be a comfort to their masters – docile, eager, and easily put away. This Pearl has had quite enough of that thank you. As Bismuth was forever telling her, she belongs to herself and therefore Rose can stuff it.

‘Oh Pearl I love you just the same, but you know how I feel about others. Please understand.’ Yes, of course – please protect my little pets. Please stand in the corner while they smear their fluid and secretions all over me. Please be there for me to cry on when they inevitably die because their inefficient bodies are forever teetering on the edge of collapse.

Pearls are meant to be dolls with no more awareness than one of the human’s dogs. However, a Renegade Pearl is something else entirely – and that is why she is going on a trip. Not anything too long, just long enough that every second of every day isn’t like sandpaper against her gem. Just long enough that the vastness of space can squeeze her… her… Well, not rage but perhaps frustration. Yes that her frustration can be properly put into perspective.

Long enough that Rose might possibly miss her as much as Pearl is forever missing her… So she might actually be leaving forever. It’s not like it matters really. Amethyst is self-sufficient enough to make human friends. Garnet is her own cosmos, a conversation that’s both a song and the silence of completion. And Rose has humans to fuck and train to worship her.

Screaming the tall, whippet thin creature hurls her tool into the undergrowth. “Fuck.” Now, of course, she’ll have to go look for it, and that will delay everything. She wants to be gone before Garnet comes up with some “great” idea or another.

Wants to be gone before one of the quartzes wonders where their servant has wandered off to. It’s fine – she on the other side of this miserable little planet, and she dismantled all the nearby warp pads. It’s fine.  Looking into the half-finished engine it’ll only be another day or two before she can leave anyway. It’s fine.

==

It’s not fine. Rose is crying and that isn’t fair. Amethyst is screaming with tears running down her face. Garnet is radiating fury, but so help her – if she manifests her gauntlets… “I just need a break. I have always loved the stars, and it’s been such a long time. It won’t be forever. Not even a very long time – not for beings like us. I just need a break. You understand don’t you?” And it’s not a lie. It really isn’t – just a quick little trip. No more than fifty or sixty years, maybe not even that long.

And she’s not being fair because she knows how big her eyes can get. And she knows they’re glistening with tears barely held back. And she knows the weight of her misery has gathered in the curve of her lips, the point of her chin, her beckoning cheekbones. Knows that it bows her spine the way neither sword nor command ever will. Knows that Rose can’t bear to see that, and what Rose wants is what the others will want. (Because Rose is ALWAYS right. Because Rose has, time and again, saved their miserable, pointless lives. )

“Promise me you’ll come back.” And it’s that easy, and it’s that hard. “Of course Rose, why would I ever want to be where you aren’t?” And if she were honest she has wanted to be a million miles away for millennia. (And if she were honest she’d admit she’s glad she hasn’t been.)

 But Rose is smiling that insipid smile that makes her seem beatific and mild. The same little lie that let her (I will **never** forgive you) murder Pink Diamond.  (And her feet tread upon the edges of stars, a galaxy of pink light and dust. Will it ever wash out? Will the screaming stop?)

And Rose kisses her gem in benefaction, but she is not a goddess and Pearl is so tired of kneeling. And the little purple quartz is confused, so she runs away like the feral little mongrel she is. And Garnet is the one who stays. Garnet is the one who watches her patch together her tiny escape. Garnet is the one who wraps her arms around her and says, “You are going to come back too late. You’ll regret it.”

Because she doesn’t understand – every second is another regret earned. Because Pearl is the Renegade, but she is still a Pearl. And so she spends all her time regretting that she hasn’t been perfect, that she hasn’t made Rose perfectly content, or made sure Amethyst is perfectly secure or helped Garnet be the perfect being she appears.

And she regrets that Pink Diamond is dust and a final confused look of heartbroken betrayal. And she regrets leaving her people behind for a bunch of idiot monkeys. And she regrets that she can’t love this world because it disgusts her on an irreparable level. And she regrets begrudging Rose the small happiness she can find past all the guilt and self-disgust.

 And she regrets surviving when much better people died or were altered. Why isn’t Bismuth here instead? Why not Champagne Pearl or her Aqua Royal? And Pearl regrets most of all that her pride in her journey outweighs the guilt of its cost. She really is a monster. But she refuses to stay bubbled so – “I regret many things. What’s one more?”

When will she ever learn better?

==

It’s raining when she leaves. She likes that – likes that she is going to disappear through it. Like a spirit leaving its rotting shell. Because Space is so clean and so big – that’s why she’s going. For perspective, and if she hasn’t told the others she’s leaving tonight… Well, it probably just slipped her mind. If it really mattered then Garnet would be here with the Quartzes. It’s fine. Everything is just fine.

[ _It’s not fine. If it were fine she wouldn’t have moved the ship to an island far away from where they found her. If it were fine she wouldn’t have made sure to piss off Ruby enough to defuse. If it were fine she wouldn’t be racing to get away._ ] Everything is perfectly fine.

There is a purple owl, and the engines are engaging. (A whip just misses.) And powerful as she is Rose can’t jump that high. And maybe the Fusion raises its fists, but indecision sees two little bodies fall to the ground weeping. And it doesn’t matter – she’s not leaving forever. She just wants to see it. Just wants to show herself how small she is. Just wants to bow her head and rest.

(She never wanted to fight. She just wants the space to breathe. Just wants to dance to the wail ringing through her crystalline bones. Will the dust of pointless loss ever wash away?) They will **never** forgive her. And she doesn’t want them to.  And she’s almost there – stars shining in her eyes like tears. “I just want to see. Only 50 years… that’s not long. I’ll be back before it can matter. Promise.”

_‘My Diamond, what could it hurt to see the Quartz? I promise she is gentle and mild.’_

_‘I will never leave your side, Rose. I promise.’_

_‘I promise it’ll get better. We’re in this for the long haul Garnet.’_

_‘And one day we’ll see the other side of this war Bismuth. I promise.’_

_‘I will always be here for you Amethyst. Promise.’_

**_When_ ** _will she ever learn better?_

===

“I can’t believe it. She’s really gone, but she promised.”

===

They will **never** forgive her.


	2. The air is so clear I can’t see a thing

“Approaching target . Re-entry in T minus 5. Please secure yourself, madam.” Such a polite ship she stole from that one … what do they call themselves? Waderage? Something like that…  ‘Such a nice ship.’ And it is all sweeping lines and minimalism and gleaming surfaces. It can’t be more than 4 cycles if that, and it handles like a dream. Yawning Pearl thinks that maybe she shouldn’t be thinking about dreams and sleep right now. As the view outside is taken over with fire the slender gem has to wonder if this was the best idea.

She’d only meant to be gone half a century, but she should have known better. She’d never had much luck at all – and her “ship” had been little more than excrement. The first time she’d had to navigate anything serious it had given up on her. Thankfully she was near enough a planet that with a bit of effort she’d managed to make planetfall. It had been a beautiful place until the moons rose and every tree, every rock, every glimmering expanse of water had vomited forth creatures of insatiable hunger. Briefly, one three-fingered hand twitches toward her damaged gem. Eyes more black than blue close as she sighs, and then open again as the ship helpfully informs her that she may retake the controls.

“But what if I don’t want to Navi? What then?” There is a sound like a buzzer as the ship’s subroutines conflict with its imperative to please her. She laughs revealing a mouthful of sharp, needle-like fangs in rows. Running an exceptionally long tongue over her collection of teeth she hums wondering what the others will think of her. Will they consider her a monster? Because she is one – she really is. Even so, she promised that she would come back and it only took her ten times as long as she promised.

It is the work of minutes to scan for them, and no time at all to plot a course that keeps her quietly off the radar. And oh the little savage monkeys have radar and satellites! How strange that humanity should have come so far in the blink of the eye. Perhaps Rose was right (of course Rose was right). That’s not very important, not really if she’s being honest. And the cobalt blue talons on her three fingered hand are tapping out a beat – the measure of Opal’s song.

 Amethyst must have been so upset, but she has the attention span of a human child. Surely she’s gotten over it by now. Except that Amethyst hoards everything including every slight, every mistake, every raised eyebrow, and hand. Amethyst is going to hate her. Amethyst has always hated her. Nothing has changed except that… the ink of her eyes spreads lazily across the white of her eyes like blood in water. Time drifts because her mind is… expansive like space or –or something. The ocean maybe?

Okay, so to be perfectly honest Pearl hasn’t come back because she promised, and she hasn’t come back because she’s guilty. She needs Rose’s tears because something has gone wrong with her gem. Whatever those Rubies did with their blasted wand thing has made her change and now she seems to be losing her mind…unraveling like those things after the Diamonds stopped fucking around. Oops, language. A good pearl is always aware of how she sounds because her reputation is her master’s – and one must never shame the master. But Pearl is not a good pearl; she isn’t even a decent one. Heh.  

She wakes up to direct sunlight and a voice like a drill through her gem. “Garnet? What’s the matter? Do you know her? Is she a Crystal Gem too?” And a second voice as bitter as poison, “Nah, just some bitch who cut and ran.” “Language.”  There is a moment like the moment after a stone is thrown into a lake, but before the water takes it away. She really doesn’t need to breathe, so why is she so distressed at the heaviness of her chest?

And then the tension breaks as that bright, cheerful voice all but screeches, “Hi! My name is Steven!” Cracking open one eye she sees a round human belly with a desperately familiar pink stone sticking out of it. “Is this the part where I regret everything Garnet or will that be later on?” It doesn’t matter – right now she just wants to sleep. Sleep until anything makes sense and the gem she used to carry around stops hating her. Sleep until the voice she most wants to hear says, ‘My Pearl’ and then gives that strange husky little laugh. “Fuck.”

==

Punching the fat idiot with the ridiculous hair was unnecessary, but so was him getting in her face reeking of fried oil. Yes, a ship so far advanced in technology would be fascinating – but the little chimp is too stupid to be allowed near it. So she has sent the ship to the Strawberry fields, and for now, she is trapped here trying to breathe. Which is beyond stupid, because she doesn’t even need to breathe – it’s just a damn affection.  ‘Defective pearl.’ The small hybrid stares at her wringing his chubby little hands.

“What do you require Steven Universe?” And that is such an impossible name, of course, Rose would fall for some strange little man named Universe. But did she have to have a child with him, was she really so miserable? ‘Might I have saved her if I were here?’ Half a millennium away and she has still learned nothing of perspective. Rose was like a hurricane or an earthquake – you did not control her, you could only endure and then pick up the pieces afterward. And she hadn’t cared about Pearl’s concerns before why would she have learned to now? Who cares about the concerns of a pearl?

“Are you okay? You look sad.” Its hands are so warm and soft. Like a baked apple or a rotting corpse in the sun. How did Rose do it? And the… boy?... withers under her gaze as she scans his sand filled curls, his peeling sunburned cheeks, his flat little feet with their chipped nails. It’s possible of course; Pearls are after all organic to some extent.  But the birth of a pearl is an abomination – each skinny little scarecrow the result of a century’s worth of screaming choking madness. Did this thing have the mind to claw at his prison? What hellscape must he have endured in the patchwork inner workings of Rose Quartz?

The boy is nervous looking to the left of her face as he licks chapped lips. “Pearl are you mad?” It would cost nothing to reassure him, but she is tired – and she is selfish. But is it really that selfish to want to grieve? Even if the tragedy is more than 13 years in the past? What are 13 years in the grand scheme of things? And what will be done about her gem? And what if she _isn’t_ actually sorry? What if she has no _real_ regrets? What if she’s angry because she wasn’t here to watch Rose go – to make sure it sticks and Rose isn’t just a liar hiding in a meat suit? A parasite giggling alone inside this disgusting little mockery of a  gem.

Either way – “No Steven. Are we still going to go to your donut shop?” And the boy seems to rebound all nervousness gone. It’s a lie, of course, he is still wary of her and he should be. Oh, she won’t harm him – he is only a child and he had no choice in this, but if he were injured… She can’t promise she wouldn’t save the gem at the cost of the woefully inadequate flesh. Of course, with her track record, it’s not like a promise would mean anything in the long run. But that’s probably not important right now, so she lets the child pull her along as though she were a balloon. As though she would actually mind floating away from all this. Although she loves the breeze of the rolling waves, and she likes the feel of the sand under her feet. She could be happy here for a little while…maybe.

The Big Donut is a rundown shack of a firetrap with a large round shape on top in desperate need of repainting. This boy must be Rose’s child or else the filth they surely serve here ought to have killed him. She doesn’t say that – he’s very proud and she ought not to change that. Besides which Garnet will surely shatter her if she does, because Garnet loves this boy even more than she loves herself. And the little purple shadow behind them is gagging for a reason to attack. The wares available are woefully unappetizing. The buzzing of the lights above like the writhing of maggots through still bleeding flesh – the tapping of her talons is not enough to drown it out.

“Um, Pearl?” Great, she’s done something wrong again. The boy is looking nervous again, while the chubby girl who is barely taller than him fidgets. The lanky boy beside just rolls his eyes before draping himself over the counter. “Wake me when I should give a damn again.” She doesn’t mean to (much), but one white hand makes firm contact with the deformed ear of the boy.  Apparently, he _is_ capable of quick agile movement. “Hey! What the hell was that for?!” She smiles – and her smile widens when he filches before frowning with a sneer. “Well? What the fuck is the big idea?!”  The boy is not especially clever, but he is amusing. “My apologies my hand just slipped.”

“Psycho bitch.” “Whiny brat.” Steven is all but whining in distress – “Guys! Be nice!” The girl waves a negligent hand and gives a smile as bright as her hair – “It's fine. They’re just bonding Steven. Want your special now? And maybe a bear claw for the lady?” The child actually begins to bounce flip flops somehow staying on. The tall boy rolls his eyes hard enough to strain something. The girl snorts before hitting him none too gently, “Dangit Sadie! That’s my soft arm!” “Can it Lars.” Lars is still grumbling after they’ve paid and left. “Wanna meet my dad? He’s really nice and he plays the guitar and I’d bet you’d make great friends!” Why not – he probably doesn’t deserve killing.

He actually does, but Steven has his mother’s shield and her bubble and that takes all the fight out of her. So she walks away toward the nearest warp pad that isn’t near the temple. Honestly, she just isn’t ready for a visit yet – maybe in a couple of decades when at least the boy’s father is dead. Or maybe another hundred years when they both should be gone – yes that’s the perfect plan and really it’s not like anyone here will miss her. **_Rose is dead_**. She might be running now her manifested outfit gaining scratches and stains. [ _The gem dust is in her nose, on her tongue, glittering along the edges of every eyelash – she is her most beautiful when coated in the essence of others._ ‘ _Abomination!’]_

And then it’s only years and years and years of dodging one more blow that keeps the Fusi- keeps Garnet’s hands off her. Since when has she started wearing that damn visor? “Just where do you think you’re going?” Since when has Garnet been so damn arrogant? “Oh, well you know – just a quick jump to get Steven a present. I mean I have so much time to make up for, don’t I? Even more so because humans don’t live an especially long time, right?” And they both know that she’s lying, but damn if she’s going to just roll over and show her belly like a dog. ‘I’m not just a fucking Pearl.’ And then there is pain and looking down there is Amethyst shoving one of those godforsaken destabilizing wands into her chest. And then it all goes a perfect white.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's this an update?! Impossibru! But no you should probably enjoy this because I never update. It must be all the recent crack in my diet. So.


	3. Peace is in the heft of a baseball bat, the swing of a crowbar

She isn’t drifting. There is nowhere to go and every horizon folds away into the core of herself. This is her mind and it is not and she is here without being present. She has always loved the experience of being inside her gem and has always been wary of leaving it. Nothing good comes of the outside world, or rather nothing good comes of the creatures outside herself. She has no problem with stars or planets. She is at peace with the scattered artifacts of a universe dancing in its own winding cloth – an explosion of life from the corpses of past births. Like watching a body reclaimed by the sea or the forest. It is only other beings – or if she’s honest other gems that bring ruin to everything. She brings ruin to everything, but only because no one will let her be. She doesn’t want to be here. She refuses to leave her gem.

The compulsion to reform is not one a gem can disobey. It is something that can only be delayed for a time - and so eventually the calm white fog of her mind dissolves into light. And when that light fades she is greeted with the rather sad dwelling that is the Quartz boy’s dwelling. She could clean, but that would imply she cares and that’s entirely too tiring. The sun is setting and no one is apparently here. So why not explore? The most interesting is also the least accessible – a large door of gem technology with a star in the middle. At four of its points are gems: a Sapphire, a Ruby, an Amethyst, and a Rose Quartz. There is room for one more, and that is a thought to be avoided.

Her talons have not grown back – she needs to find a mirror. Brushing her messy peach bangs out of her eyes Pearl approaches the windows. If she stands at just the right angle she can see herself. It’s mostly the same: a bird nest of peach hair, two huge ice blue eyes, skin as white as snow,  and a body that is long and impossibly thin clad in a sleeveless blue tunic and sea foam green leggings. The only new thing is the pink triangle surrounding the white circle that has been on her chest since… since the thing with that one Jasper.  “What a clusterfuck that was…”

Speaking of which, she needed to check the Kindergarten immediately. If that idiot Peridot was right then there was no time to waste. Too many people human and gem had died for this little blue planet to be destroyed by pettiness. “And I would know pettiness.” “Well, that’s one thing that hasn’t changed.” Just as easy as that all the energy that she had has been drained away. “Hello, small one. Did you need anything?” The soft care of her voice is only half mockery because she does love the little Quartz – defective gems have to stick together.  (But the purple gem is perfect – brave and sweet and so clever when she tries, and she fits perfectly in a slender pair of arms.)

Garnet catches the whip before it can fully unfurl, and the tightness of her jaw is possibly intimidating. Except she has stood up to the Perfect Jasper and she spat in a Moissanite’s face and she watched a Kindergarten dissolve into molten rock. _A single hand paws at the air before breaking apart into light and the memory of flesh. There is no air to breathe, and yet the screaming won’t stop._ She isn’t afraid of Garnet, but she is afraid of how easily she could crack her _(– but Rose, a Garnet is weaker than a Ruby or a Sapphire, why encourage such a pointless fusion?)_. “We need to talk. Steven is spending the night with his father.” There isn’t time.

“No Pearl. I don’t want to hear it. ” The hand she has raised holds Sapphire’s gem. Corundum is impressively durable, but sadly possesses a rather exploitable pattern of cleavage. Suddenly said hand is snatched behind the 7 ft giant’s back as the temperature begins to rise. “Sit **down**.” And the only quartz here looks alarmed. Has the fusion developed a bit of temper? And now it’s cold enough that the dust in here is forming sad little snowflakes. “Where were you?” It would be so easy to say something rude or strange or to blather on about nothing. Instead, “Nowhere important – after I left the solar system I pointed its nose to the closest nebula and I’ve been wandering ever since.” Her voice gives the shrug her shoulders can’t handle.

“You said you wouldn’t be gone that long.” Her talons still aren’t back, and her teeth are basically normal. “Did something happen while I was reforming?” The need to touch her gem is setting into a mindscrewing itch in both gem and fingers. Garnet’s hand is big enough to hold both of her own. “ Pearl focus. We washed your gem in Rose’s fountain, and then Steven used his healing powers to be sure. It’s okay.” Nothing is okay – the space between where she left and where she is now a pit in which monsters lie. “Fountain?” It’s going to be a long night. Joy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is either a miracle or the end of times - probably half of the last and a dozen of the former. Oh well, still proud of myself.


	4. How To Spit Into the Wind

She punches a hole into another egg and precedes to suck. The brown child – girl – looks disgusted her nose wrinkled enough for her glass-less glasses to fall off. There is a story there, something to do with Steven’s healing gift, but it will have to wait. She promised the boy a present after she ate, and so she shall keep that promise. At least once she will keep a promise. Even a perfectly worthless one like this – especially a perfectly worthless one like this.

“Um, Pearl? We could just get you some eggs from the store – I mean… Not that- it’s just that I think these eggs are supposed to grow into little baby birds.” She is not going to roll her eyes at the child because he is a child and it’s doubtful his caregivers have actually explained _any_ thing to him. “No Steven – a fertilized egg requires a certain amount of incubation before embryo growth will proceed. These eggs are freshly laid and are therefore as inert as the ones you can buy. Have the elders not gone over this at the learning hut? Or –what is the word? Synagogue? Something to do with temples I suppose.”

The brown child – Donnie? – looks fairly appalled, perhaps the learning area is called something new now. It doesn’t matter. What does matter is getting her command bracelet back from wherever the others hid it. Not that she necessarily needs it, and honestly it wouldn’t be too difficult to fabricate another… It’s just the damn principle of the thing! It’s hers and she doesn’t have to stay on this insignificant little mud ball if she doesn’t want to! But it’s fine because she has important information and once she has helped with the Cluster event they will have to return her property. It’s as simple as that.

“Miss?” Blinking Pearl startles backward from the little brown hand waving in front of her impressive nose. “Um, s-sorry but you were kind of out of it and there aren’t any more eggs in that nest and...” Watching the East Indian child quietly peter out is almost amusing. There is nothing especially intimidating about a pearl – not even a “certifiably” insane one. Which of course, brings her thoughts back to this morning’s presentation, “Steven have you ever met a peridot?” And imagine her surprise when he actually nods after a bit of thought.

“Oh? And how did you accomplish that Steven? The Galaxy Warp should be disabled from this side of things?” It would have to be or else the Earth would have never stood the slightest chance – and even then it had only been given the briefest reprieve. And the uptick of her lips is sharp enough to draw blood, but the tiny quartz (smaller even than Amethyst) is too busy painting his story to notice. His little friend with her stick-like arms and legs is a different story. Tension draws her shoulders up toward her ears and tightens the corners of her dark eyes. Her fingers mindlessly twitch as though searching for something, most likely a weapon of any kind. Clever girl.

“And then Garnet said, “Well done Steven. You only almost blew it.” His impression of Garnet’s voice and manner is just close enough to surprise a snort out of her. And the look on the face of the girl is enough to chase peal after peal of laughter from her. Laughter strangled into heavy silence by the strange husky little chuckles Steven gives. Luckily he has his eyes close as his pudgy little body shakes with mirth. Less lucky is the girl – Connie! – reaching for him a look of terror stamped on her face. “Stev-!” “Connie.”

And they are both looking at her, “Your name is Connie. I knew I remembered.” The hunch of her  thin shoulders, the nervousness of her movement, the large proud brow, and the sharp angles like a crane and now like a scarecrow. “You’re very much like me, aren’t you Connie?” The child frowns as though insulted before looking away. ‘Foolish.’ In a real fight, the sword whose hilt she holds out would run red with heart’s blood it’s point shining brightly from between razor-sharp shoulder blades. “Go on. You want to protect Steven, don’t you? You want to be his knight.” And a blush like dawn’s first gleaming rises across their little cheeks. ‘Oh, isn’t that darling?’

There is something like a bitter taste in her mouth as she continues, “Well, go on its only fair since I’m giving Steven something too.” Tentatively the hilt is taken and then the child is holding it with both hands staring in awe at the blade. The boy is almost literally starry-eyed with a grin that very nearly doesn’t fit on his face. “That’s so cool! Do I get a sword too?! I mean I already have a shield even if I can’t summon it very well. I’d be like a Knight! Me and Connie can be knights together!” It’d be so easy to just say yes but, “No Steven. Your mother has – ahem had a very fine sword made by a very dear friend of mine. It’s around here somewhere for us to find, but you’re not a knight, you are a commander and commanders require technicians.”

Reaching up toward her gem she withdraws what looks like a ball of dark blue glass. In actuality, it is a hideously expensive storage unit – one that causes shivers to race through her as she studies it. Like leaves before a stiff breeze, her thoughts skitter and scatter away from what it took to pay for it. _Crushing her and thrusting thrusting thrusting..!_ A sharp laugh as abrupt as a snapping branch, and then the ball is enlarging until she can open it and pull out its pathetic cargo. As small as Steven and a sickly, toxic green in color the peridot hangs limply from her grasp. The reason for its stillness is the onyx collar studded with yellow Jasper shards. She shouldn’t feel such a vicious little spark of happiness, but she honestly shouldn’t feel anything at all.

“Here Steven, your very own peridot!” The children are, of course, horrified staring at the thing she holds by one little ankle as though it were filthy. It actually is pretty dirty with a fine layer of dust dulling its' hideous coloring. “Pearl! She’s not a-a thing, she’s a person – a gem!” No, they haven’t explained anything at all. “She’s not a gem, she’s not anything except a peridot – **my** peridot and now yours.” The smile on her face is probably the most real it’s been since she got here, and isn’t that just the problem? Why is she always so abrasive? Why can’t she be kind? Probably because she  doesn’t want to, even if she’s not supposed to want anything.

“How could you? How can you just treat her like an object?” And the look of betrayal in his dark little eyes ( ** _her_** _dark eyes_ ) curdles the milk of her happiness like the sharp tang of lemon juice. So she does what she always has and attacks, “Easily. As easily as she would shrug off the death of this world.” They gape like fish all self-righteousness momentarily forgotten but it’s too late. Everything is ruined ( _you’ll regret it_ ). “Do you think this little monster has the range to feel anything? That she regrets crushing gems and fusing their pieces into abominations? That she hasn’t shrugged off the death of innumerable planets? _Stu_ pid, _fool_ ish, **_idiot_** child – you think you know so much, but you know **nothing**! This hateful little slag heap wanted to-”

But no she won’t give them that – she can’t give them that. They don’t deserve to see how – “Fine, do whatever you want – keep her or don’t it doesn’t matter. It was just a thought.” Her face is so stiff it looks like some terrible mask, all expression locked away as she tosses the horrible little pervert at their feet. Of course, it can’t end as simply as that – the little bitch in her ridiculous red boots and her stupid useless glasses throws the sword away like its rubbish. It glimmers from the dirt the way it had centuries ago as it’s wielder bled out Rose tears completely useless. “I can learn on my own, I refuse to learn from someone like you!”

So brave even as she takes a step away from the tall pale creature whose face cracks into a smile like blood welling up after the knife has been dragged across. “Fine. I’ve always known there’s no use for kindness, it’ll only be thrown back into your face.” The child flinches as though the words were spittle dripping from her face, but she doesn’t back down and Pearls feels strangely proud. Less so looking at the thing Rose made, “So do you want her or not?” He doesn’t even have to speak for her to know his answer one hand already reaching down, “Fine. It’s not like she’s worth much after all. I suppose this was a fairly sorry gift in the first place.”

And then, “Wait! She’s not mine, but I-please Pearl!” She stands dusting hands that don’t need it, and not looking into dark eyes that dig into her heart like a chain of thorns. “Please, what?” Her gem begins to ache as a familiar head of lilac hair appears followed by a cheerful round face that immediately turns incredulous, “Wh-who the hell is that? Where’d she come from? She looks like that peridot that was sending all those things! What the hell is that thing around her neck?!Wait, is that a fricking sword?!” Leaving the peridot Pearl snatches up the capsule with one last look of disdain for the lot of them, before transforming into a six-winged avian and flying away.


	5. N is for Neville dead of ennui

It figures that the one big thing Lars will ever do is prove it’s possible to die from boredom. Who knew the Cool Kids were so damn Lame? Of course, this is fucking Beach City where nothing ever happens – well outside of weird monster thingies attacking Steven and his weirdo guardian ladies. Speaking of which, what was up with that new one? The pale one that apparently makes Buck’s dad all sweaty and nervous, and who also makes Old Man Greg sweaty and nervous, also that little idiot Steven. She was alright – if nothing else she didn’t treat him like some tag-along pain in the ass. But where did she come from and why was she here?

Frowning the jaundiced looking teen closes his eyes and tries to at least relax. The huge shadow flitting over his face combined with the excited noises of the Dork Kids does a fair job of preventing that. It’s not surprising, what little he was able to catch before it disappeared into the distance was beyond weird. Long and white with at least three pairs of wings and what could have been fur or scales or feathers that shone like light off snow. ‘And what are the odds that this weird thing is connected to Steven’s freaky new aunt?’ Pssh, like that’s even a question.  “What the hell was that?!”

Besides which if he goes and investigates the weirdo bird thing then he doesn’t have to hang out with these idiots. Really it’s a win/win situation – especially because he was smart enough to bring his brother’s battered old motocross bike. If worst came to worst he could always call Sadie’s mom for a pick-up, what he wouldn’t give to trade parents for like ten minutes… Whatever. Only Sour Cream bothers to look over as Lars pulls the bike upright with a grunt. A dozen shades of rust and dirt and half-assed paint jobs it doesn't look like much, but then again neither does he.

“Hey, I’m gonna go check out whatever that thing was. Later.” If he were anyone else they’d probably talk about going with him, but honestly they just don’t click – it’s probably his fault. It’s almost always his fault according to everyone else. Not like it matters, one day he’s gonna get out of here and never look back like his brother did. The bike kicks over with a cough that would put a chronic smoker to shame. Doesn’t matter as long as it gets him away from here.

It might sound like death warmed over, but the bike still has some kick and he’s flying along racing his shadow and the faded memory of the coolest kid he knows. It’s not until he passes the black and yellow tape that he realizes where he is. “Yeah, it’s just my luck the stupid thing flew into the Dead Lands. It’s worth more than my life if I get caught out here.” Besides which it’s fucking creepy as hell, nothing moves out here or grows and it’s like some alien landscape.

Even the sky is the wrong color and the air tastes like nickel and ozone and salt at the back of his throat. Still, it’s something different and at this point what does it matter? There’s nothing to lose except a shitty job at a shitty shop in a shitty town where no one likes him because he’s apparently the only dickhead in history. “Fuck it.” His hand tightens on the accelerator as a ghastly grin violently carves it’s self onto his thin face. Even if this little adventure kills him, better to have died doing something then simply exist until he stopped breathing.

==

He’s at the center of the Dead Lands – and no he doesn’t need a sign post to know it. Every breath in is like packing dirt down his throat, while every breath out feels like an imminent nose bleed. It’s a good thing he dresses in layers because the skin he’s showing is beginning to burn. He’s got just enough gas to get back if he turns around now or shuts off the bike. It’s not even a question – the sudden silence is almost a pressure it’s so damn heavy. Except that someone…or thing is speaking. Two things actually and at least one of them is very angry.

“Who do you think you are? What right does a pearl -?” The crack of flesh on flesh is like a shot fired. “Shut up.” And it’s a wonder he didn’t guess before because that cool voice could only come from _her_. “Just shut up. Whatever you think you remember you can just fucking let it go. It’s gone now and probably has been for a very long time. I visited the old worlds and the old hubs and they’re all so much rubble. All of it so completely destroyed that even the memories of them have been dashed to pieces and swept away.” Buck would say that her voice was sub-artic it was so cold, and Sour Cream would say it was absolute zero in temp. Jenny would just say the chick was pissed, but she’s not – not just pissed and not just at whoever is here.

Thankful he can be quiet and not a complete klutz when he wants to Lars makes his way to the edge of the plateau he stands on in a crouch. Carefully he lowers himself to his belly and creeps forward. The first things he notices are the machines that look like viruses and have what look like hearts in them. The second is all the person-shaped holes in the walls, which is so beyond completely fucked up. What the hell does any of this even mean? But no, worry about that shit later, what’s really important are the two women glaring at each other down below – one of them is shades of blue and the other is white and pink and blue and green and yellow like a child’s nursery.

The blue one is crying. Its' fists are curled up so tight it ought to be bleeding, maybe it is – hard to see much of anything up here. What could be tears are running down it’s… okay, her face and she looks so beyond miserable it brings a pain to his chest. Then again that could be the like radioactive dirt he’s laying face-down in, but whatever not like he ever wanted kids or whatever. The pale one – the pearl thing – looks impassive as it stands there with arms spread wide. “Don’t you get it? You’re pining after something that’s not even an echo never mind a ghost.” The blue one screams sweeping it’s arms forward like a witch calling forth her minions. Pearl just laughs, “Oh dear, ad what pray tell is the lapis lazuli gonna do without any water? Oh, I see – you’re going to glare at me until I die. Oh well, I simply **quake** with _fear_.”

Shrieking madly the lapis(?) snatches up a rock and throws it. “Fine! You win okay? You win, oh great and wonderful Renegade. So just kill me already and stop tormenting me!” Pearl just yawns before looking up where he’s hiding… and smiling. “I’ve forgotten how much I hate dealing with gems. If I wanted you dead and gone I could have just finished cracking your gem in half. Instead, I apparently wasted Rose’s tears on you.” Pearl  turns away with a lightness that makes it look like she’s dancing. Her fly away pink hair and flowing clothes remind him of that one ballet production he let his mom drag him to. Yeah, she could be a ballerina if she wanted to, but why would she care about something so pointless?

The lapis thingy looks unimpressed but follows the meandering path Pearl takes to the nearest virus thing. “’I’m not going to thank you. I have no reason _to_ thank you.” "Its fine you don’t have to thank me, it’s more a matter of misery loving company anyway. No one else here knows how I feel – this is their home, but it’s not mine and it never will be. Still, I love them, Garnet and Amethyst, or at least the idea of them… So I want to save this horrible little mass of dross and flotsam for them.” And here she turns to face the lapis. There must be something in her face or eyes because the blue woman freezes like she’s met Medusa. “ I need you to help me with that. I can’t trust them to do what has to be done.” The blue one cringes away, “You can’t trust me either.” The pink head nods like some impossible dandelion. “I know that. And that lack of illusions is exactly what I need.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It really must be some kind of witchcraft 'cause I never update this quickly... like ever. And that's on top of the many many other stories that are just cropping up everywhere. I don't even know. Although, if I could get some constructive criticism that'd be great. I feel like something is off with my writing, but I'm not removed enough from it to see what. Anyway thanks for reading.


	6. And I want to bully you and I want to comfort you too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I have no idea what the heck Lars is supposed to be in the SU uh universe. But in this particular story, him and his family are basically racial mutts. Mostly Chinese mixed with a rather large dosage of Latin America also a little something else. 
> 
> And also there is some - okay a lot of profanity here... but it don't matter because it's not in English and I have no intention of translating anything. Also if you don't really care for that this chapter is kind of a filler episode I guess? So feel free to skip to the next one.
> 
> Alright enough talking or typing. Thanks for reading.

‘There is a blue chick with her arms around me and I am not gonna freak.’ His brother would be mocking him for eternity if he could see this. Hell if Sadie catches wind of this she’ll be cranking him up for the next eon. It’s just… how the hell do you take something like this? Like here is some blue alien chick off a bootleg History channel program clinging to him. Seriously all they need is Rinalweird and his stupid conspiracy theories to round things off. Well, there, is of course, one obvious way this could go worse. ‘Body if you pop a boner I will never forgive you.’ Of course, knowing his luck his body will screw him over now just because.

“Are you okay? You keep stiffening up – am I holding too tight?” There are many incredibly awkward jokes to make right now and he is going to be a decent guy and not make any of them. So instead he just shakes his head and tries to focus on getting them to his cousin’s house. A shadow flies over and he briefly gives a wave, which of course almost takes him off the road. Again. At least this time it didn’t startle the girl’s –um Lapis’ wings out of her. That had been a pretty bad scene. Almost as bad as being literally picked up and thrown by that creepy hologram thing Pearl had. Whatever.

It’s full-on night when he pulls up and cuts the engine. Lapis finally let’s go and the sudden relief is almost enough to force a sob. Damn if the girl is a fuckton stronger than she looks. Pearl touches down going from bird to dancer like something out of one those artsy movies Buck likes. “So do you just not like shoes or is this like a …um whatever you guys are sort of thing?” It’s kind of a legitimate question – neither Lapis nor Pearl are wearing shoes and Steven only wears sandals like all the damn time. Lapis frowns with this odd lift to her lips like she’s not sure if he’s joking, but Pearl ends up having to smother her laughter behind both hands. “What the hell is all of this? You don’t call but you bring me guests?  Pendejo.”

Shrugging as one lanky arm moves behind his head Lars can only smile and hope for the best. Christina doesn’t really mess around – maybe it’s ‘cause she’s five foot nothing in a family of giants or because she’s the oldest out of a brood of thick-headed boys. Either way, she takes no shit and gives no fucks – which sucks because she’s his best hope right now of finding somewhere to drop these two off. “Cuz! Look, I get that you might not be happy about this, but-” “Shut up. Oi, piba, yeah you with the cotton candy hair. What the fuck are you doing with my idiot cousin? Ain’t like he got no dick action so you ain’t no side chick.”  He can feel his face giving off heat as he suffers the worst blush he has ever had. “Oi! Callate el osico gordota.”

That probably wasn’t the best thing to say as Christina’s head snaps around like a cobra sighting prey. “What you say to me bastardo? You trying to get smart when we both know you no jodes since you crawled out you mami in smell bombo. Seung sei ah? Keep talking crazy and watch me kick your head in chak tou.” Lapis looks confused and Pearl looks far too amused and damn it he isn’t even asking to look cool. He just wants to not have his balls busted for the umpteenth time. So, of course, he runs his mouth because he was born without the sense given a damn egg. “Sei hoi! Y tu mama tambien. I ain’t got no cuffs with you and you trying to stunt on me in front of guests? Chupas mis huevos vendeja!”

She laughs brushing her fingers lightly under her jaw. “Whatever carbon. Que huevos? Not like you got none mamon.  And why you trying to impress these things anyway? Nadie te quiere and no one ever will. When you gonna get it gilipollas? El mundo cage en tus vida. Stop fighting it bat po, come mierda y muerte puto.”  It’s not the words themselves that piss him off, most everyone has said some form of them to him since he was just starting to walk. It’s the tone – she doesn’t give a fuck how he feels. He’s nothing to her, and he is so damn tired of being fucking nothing to everything and everyone. He wants blood even though he knows that he needs her help. Fuck it. He’ll figure something the fuck out. He always does.

“Metetelo por el culo. What the hell do you know? You’re just like your psycho mom.” And now her face loses its shine and hardens aging her instantly. “Watch yourself cochino.” But he’s just gotten started and he has no intention of stopping. Fuck it all. “Why? You gonna come after me like she went after the baby… like she went after you? Oh. Are those tears fei gei cheung? Are you remembering lou hai and the games she liked to play? Maybe you’re thinking of her cau fah hai? Can you still taste it? Do you miss it?” She reaches for her waist and he reaches for his back pocket. Her eyes are shining with tears and it’d be easy to think she’s just upset, but he’s known her long enough to know she’s gonna start swinging soon. “Chak tou. Fai chaai. Hui sei.” She’s angry enough that she can’t even string together a whole sentence and all he can do is laugh as they both pull out switchblades.

‘Um… guys?” Lapis looks nervous, standing there wringing her hands with her lip between her teeth, but Pearl just seems fascinated with pupils blown wide. “Lapis let them have their moment. Obviously, they have some issues they need to work out between themselves.” Yeah, the crazy bitch is enjoying herself, which is fine because he’s loving it just as much. “Well, Christina? Prove me right – I mean it’s pretty fucking obvious. Chee lun seen hai yeung. Do you think you’ll finally lose your job this time?” He can already see her left leg tensing and he’s getting ready to dodge when one of the upper windows suddenly slams up startling them all. A head more lard than skull pops out as his worthless cousin Newton starts to bellow. “What the hell is wrong with you all? Some people have actual jobs to go to. Go to sleep or go away!” Frowning Lars looks to Christina and they both nod.

“Oi! You need a job first before you can complain about working it forro! Besides who would hire you? Nei fei yao chow.” The useless slob blinks before squinting down and then pulling a face. “Vete a la mierda Lars! No me jodas! Or so help me I will come down there and snap you like the twig you are.” Christina laughs before throwing a rock at the sleepy idiot, “No seas tan carbon. Your herpes-ridden gai will be waiting whatever the time so stop pretending to respectability. Now either fuck off or come down and get stuck.” With a final shout of ‘Ham Ka Chan’ Newton shuts the window and pulls the curtains closed. In the meanwhile Christina seems to be thinking. “No joke, you Lars, are a fucking asshole. No really, diu nei pook gai. You know what my mother was like and you threw that in my face… but maybe I shouldn’t have been such a bitch. What can I say? It comes naturally.”

Rubbing the back of his neck Lars can only shrug. “Eh, chinga tu madre. Y la cage. You know I got a mouth that doesn’t know when to stop.” They stand there a minute and then she kicks him in the balls. “Chingate! Ohala que mueras.” She laughs at his words before turning to the girls who stare back… “Fuck it. Come in and I’ll find somewhere for you to sleep or whatever. Lars? Hueles a mierda, lavate ese culo ante vas a casa. I’m serious. I refuse to sleep in a house that smells of balls and unwashed ass.” Lapis looks like she wants to linger and maybe help him but he waves her in before returning both hands to his aching balls. Crazy bitch.

===

She’s waiting for him when he steps in the house with the towel she threw at him wrapped around his waist. “You know what you’re getting into, right?” He could shrug, but unlike his parents, he knows she’s asking because she actually gives a damn. “No. I know that this is something serious. Like something from a damn sci-fi movie, but I don’t got no details. I don’t think I want them anyway.” For a moment she gets that look in her eyes that promises he’s about to catch a hit upside the head or a tumble to the ground. Then she just sighs and kind of deflates. Her eyes search his before seeming to dim, “You really are a dumbass. I talked to the pale one and something is wrong with that puta. Like she might be on the up and up, but if you trust her you stupider than you look.” And here she gives a light bat to one of his empty gauge holes. Grumbling he half-heartedly tries to swat her only to see her dance away laughing. Laughter is better than that sad look she had before so whatever.

For a moment it looks like she’s gonna go for a hug, but she gives a quick shake of the head and instead throws something at him. “It was Jeremy’s once, so you’re probably gonna need a flea bath later on. You can bunk with the blue chick – that way if you start screaming all the rest of us know to run. What? Nina is broken. Like most of the pieces are there, but she’s having flashbacks to ‘Nam or some bullshit.  La concha que me re pario. No, la concha que te re parias! Every since you were a damn baby you couldn’t keep your ass out of the fire!” Running her hands through her hair she groans as though in actual pain before laughing, “Diu lei tsuen ga. You’re just like your idiot brother, try not to end up like him. I don’t like burying children.” She turns off the lights as she wanders toward her bed.


	7. Don’t Be Tardy to the Party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so - is it better to update frequently or to dump a lot of chapters every now and then? I mean I am rather given toward one method than the other, but I'd like to know how actual readers feel about it? Oh, well. Enjoy the chapter (such as it is).

She isn’t surprised to see Garnet here cutting through the crowd like a blade through fat leaving a quivering mess behind her. Honestly, she’s kind of surprised it took this long for the fusion to come calling. Closing her eyes Pearl lets the thrumming bass carry her further away. She rides the hidden tide of the crowd knowing from the rising complaints that the fusion is getting more and more impatient. She really shouldn’t be amused by that, but damn the Matriarchs she is. Letting her thin body curve and glide among the gyrating walls of meat making up the crowd she ignores the bellow of “Pearl” and continues to lead a fine chase. Garnet needs to “chillax” as Samantha (just Sam) and Christina would say.

Performing a move that has nearby males whistling Pearl begins making her way back toward the bar. There is no point in running, besides Garnet can go fornicate herself if she thinks she has any real authority. Has she forgotten that curfews and the like are for Homeworld pearls and pearls with owners? Honestly! Who the hell died and…oh. Of course, it would lead back to Rose. It always does. And that makes sense because whatever else Garnet had or hadn’t been she had been more at ease with working in the background. She has also been more open and that’s entirely gone now. The old Garnet didn’t constantly cover her eyes and was generally much softer than this one. A pity really; but only to be expected… Rose could be quite ruthless when it suited her plans.

Making it to the edge of the bar Pearl can see Sam standing head and shoulders above the crowd with her mess of pink hair acting as a beacon. She beautiful, because she looks just like Rose…well she’s shorter than Rose, but in all the ways it counts she’s like a human twin. It’s actually kind of disturbing… Still, Sam is nice and she actually listens and she’s so warm and Christina was right when she said Sam had an amazing set of “knockers”. Although why someone would refer to breasts as knockers… humans and their need to be obtuse. The hand Pearl raises to get Sam’s attention is grabbed and used to pull her toward a rather upset fusion. “You were meant to be back three days ago.”

Making an expression that is more along the line of bearing her teeth versus a smile, the smaller gem tilts her head back with an air of innocence. “Oh? I don’t recall making such an agreement. In fact, I don’t recall making _any_ promises. Oh, well – I’ll be around some time tomorrow. Maybe. Good night Garnet.” Her attempt to snatch her hand back and leave goes less than well all things considered. “That’s not how this works. I don’t know what’s gotten into you and right now I don’t care. You are going to come home with me and we are going to figure this out. The only question is how: the easy way or the hard way?”’ And like a bad An’gestian drama, this is when Sam shows up holding two brightly colored drinks and looking like someone shit in her milk. “What fuck all goes here? Who the hell are you pendejo and why the hell are you touching my girlfriend?”

As much as she’d like to focus on the term “girlfriend” Pearl knows she has to pay attention to Garnet who looks rather a lot less than happy about this development. At least the little bit of her face that is visible looks dearly upset with pursed lips and a visible tick moving along her jaw. You can almost hear her teeth grinding. “What is wrong with you? She isn’t Rose! You – ” And that’s quite enough of that, “Says the pitiful construct made by two dysfunctional little freaks. How many years has it been since you last separated? You could barely go for two days before I left. Could you even think as individuals now if you spent time apart? Or would you just lie down screaming until someone kindly put you out of your misery?” The last syllable is barely out of her mouth before she feels the gentle pressure of a knuckle trembling against her gem.

Sam is getting loud enough to bring attention, but Pearl just rests a hand on the human's arm. If Garnet, or really Ruby, decides to destroy Pearl then there isn’t a damn thing any of the humans here can do. Well, they could get horribly maimed or killed, but all things considered, that can’t be considered effective action. As it is Garnet is straining between the two minds of her constituents. Her form is actually starting to vibrate apart as Ruby is only barely held back from striking even as Sapphire keeps trying to make them run away. It’s funny since it looks like Garnet is doing some weird sort of fusion dance. It’s also pathetic and Pearl cannot abide pathetic displays. “I’m not afraid of you Ruby. I fought a Moissanite…and won. I broke the “perfect” Jasper into pieces by myself.”

 

At some point, the music stopped and security seems to be making their way over. “I have never been afraid of you – afraid for you, yes – but never of you and I’m not starting now. So kindly get out of my personal space, Perversion, or I will remove you from my space. Just try me.” Gradually the trembling stops and then Garnet takes a deep breath. “I hate you.” Pearl surprises them both by laughing, but she can’t help it. That totally sounds like something Ruby would say.

“I know and I don’t care.” Garnet almost takes her visor off, before looking around and leaving it on. “Liar. We do need to talk, you know. Maybe tomorrow?” Sam looks worried, but more importantly, she looks annoyed. Pearl had promised to spend the day with her. She’ll get over it. “Yeah, I mean yes. I’ll see you some time after noon. Pro – um. Scout’s honor.” The fusion looks like she’s going to say something, but then she just walks away leaving the security guards floundering. “Alright, party people! Let’s make our way back to the dance floor!”

As the music starts back up Pearl turns to look up at her “girlfriend” with something that feels like a real smile. Sam smiles back with a twinkle in her eye, “So… ex-girlfriend?” The laughter they share feels just about right. It feels like… no it’s too soon, but they could have fun, right? “It’s complicated – we worked together and I’m actually older than her, and there was this other gem named Rose… It was kind of a massive clusterfuck.” The slip up about gems just seems to go over Sam’s head or maybe Sam is just as invulnerable to shock as Christina said. Speaking of which, where have the others gotten to? “Hey, so speaking of fucks…” Oh, oh that’s awful. “You are awful and I am okay with that. Although I think there are some things we should discuss first. Um… okay, so I’m kind of a shape shifter?” 


	8. Who was swept out to sea

The child… Steven. The Steven child finds her as she dithers by the shore waiting for Lars to finish flirting with the small one. Um… For the sake of the colony! It shouldn’t be that difficult to remember a single human name. Then again there are so many of the damn things it’s no wonder she can’t actually be bothered. Something like Halley? Kallie? Something with an ‘aid’ and a ‘yee’ sound in it. But does it start with a ‘t’ or an ‘n’? “Um… hi, Pearl?” She just manages not to let herself twitch. Still, how badly out of practice is she if she can be snuck up on by a chubby little ape child? But that isn’t fair -  okay then. How badly out of practice is she that a chubby little half-ape, half-gem abomination of a child can sneak up on her? There. That’s much more fair, isn’t it?

Of course, she just had a talk with Garnet and Amethyst and… the godforsaken Peridot… about her behavior toward humans in general and Steven in particular. So she turns and plasters on a vapid smile for the little mongrel. To his credit, he leans back as though she were about to devour his soft little pudding face. “What is wrong with you?”  And that’s the question, isn’t it? “That’s always been the question Steven, but fuck if I have an answer yet.” And going by the expression the boy wears with his lips making a perfect ‘o’ and his eyes as wide as saucers she’s gone and fucked up again. “Oh dear. I keep forgetting you’re a child. Well, not really. I keep forgetting you’re a child I’m supposed to behave myself around.”

The expression he makes now is better. Generally speaking, a frowning child is considered a bad thing, but at least it shows he has something like a functional brain. And how does his brain work anyway? How does any of him work? He has no mitochondria for cellular function, he is missing more than half his ‘biological blueprint’, and by all rights, he should have fallen to disease in his first few months since he had no active thyroid. As the foolish little thing cuddles up to her side she blinks and then sighs at her lack of awareness around him. “Um… Pearl? What does that mean? That you’re supposed to behave yourself around me?” His hair is very soft under her fingers, and his eyes are so big and open as they study her. A child shouldn’t be without its mother… how selfish could Rose be?

“Pearl?”  Oh right, he asked her a question and her she is woolgathering like a coral fresh from harvest. “It means that I’m supposed to pretend I care about you… I don’t.” Feeling the warm little body curling up against her stiffen and begin to pull away is like having her physical form fatally damaged. Carefully Pearl keeps her arm from wrapping around and holding the boy to her. He isn’t hers and that is a good thing. It’s the best thing for everyone. She almost cries when he stops and then cautiously edges closer to her one little hand on her arm. “I don’t understand?” He wouldn’t not with caregivers like his failure of a father and those two rejects the Matriarchs would shatter in a heartbeat for existing. Fuck. What horrors would they unleash on the half-breed child? Would they peel him like an orange to get to his secrets? Would they just pry out his gem and watch him bleed out screeching? Would they break it while it was still in him? And if they did how would he die?

His hand is so warm and soft like an infant. He’s barely thirteen and so small. He holds onto her arm and it would take nothing to pick him up and hold him in her lap. She looks down into his eyes and they are so much like hers. He is so much like Rose… but he smells of sea salt and the breeze off the water instead of grass and dirt and well water spoilt with blood. She can’t do this again. She won’t. “Well, Steven…  What I mean is that – caring about you means setting a good example for you. It also means not making things uncomfortable, for instance, I really shouldn’t tell you I fucked a human last night who bears a remarkable resemblance to your mother Rose.” He jerks back like he has been burnt and his eyes hold a look of betrayal. Good. She doesn’t love him.

“That isn’t nice!” No, but she isn’t nice either. She is not a decent person. She has never been a decent person – just a heavily defective pearl. So why not embrace it? Why not burn all her bridges here and salt the ashes? She’ll help them with the cluster and then she’ll leave and whatever happens afterward has nothing to do with her. She already fought one war, why the hell should she fight another she can’t possibly win. It isn’t fair. It isn’t – “Would you like to know how I fucked her? I mean you should know Gems do not breed organically. We use Kindergartens that strip a planet of its virtue. So how could I copulate with her? I shape shifted genitalia. Many, many variations of them in fact. She seemed to like tentacles most of all…” From the corner of her eye, she watches his face pale and then redden while working through a suite of emotions.

She can’t help it – she laughs and laughs and laughs until she cries. It’s been such a long time since she cried over anything or one that for a moment she’s startled. Looking at the child next to her as he stares at his feet with a bright-red face all she can do is hug him. The way he immediately stiffens has her about to pull back, but then he tentatively reaches out to return the hug. ‘Stupid.’ It is, in fact, one of the stupidest things she could possibly do, but nonetheless, she lets it happen. And they sit there laughing together and hugging while the sun sinks from the sky.

As the stars begin to blink into being by ones and twos and threes she wipes her face before pulling him into her lap. “Have you ever shifted before Steven?” She hopes not because she really doesn’t trust the others to be properly concerned for his safety. Then again maybe she’s being paranoid – “I turned into a monstrous pile of cats.” Huh, maybe she isn’t being paranoid enough. “Well, that’s certainly a new one on me. How exactly did you manage to turn back?” He shrugs as he leans back against her a careless grin on his face, “Dad sent me through the carwash.” Gregory Universe is a damn menace, but she isn’t going to say that to his son.

“Your father is an idiot. Then again he did take up with Rose.” Dammit. “Hey!” He is actually pouting at her; she hasn’t had that happen in over three centuries. He looks ridiculous. “I speak from experience having also taken up with Rose. I loved her, but I never really liked her. She was the sun to my moon, but she was capricious and thoughtless. She loved everything, but she didn’t have the empathy of a founder-forsaken parasite.”

 It was, unfortunately, true and one of the things she and Garnet had worked so hard to keep from the others. Bismuth had been the closest to finding out, but then again Bismuth had also been gifted with a bizarre amount of empathy for her caste. The problem was that Bismuth had been entirely too brittle for such a quality. The child is staring up at her with that worried expression she might be beginning to hate. He looks better when he smiles.

“Your mother would cry at the sight of a bird with a broken wing, but she would watch a fish die gasping on land because she didn’t really understand. In many ways she was a bit like a child; bright, cheerful, and sweet but lacking an understanding of consequences and repercussions. Yes. She was like a child, a child I dearly wanted to strangle.” For a moment the child goes so still she fears for a moment that he is about to release his bladder or worse his colon while seated in her lap. Thankfully he does not, but his face is a picture of terror… Why? Oh, “Calm down.  I’m not going to kill or even hurt you very badly. I’m not going to hurt you at all – probably. Oh. There’s Lars! Goodbye small one.”

 Setting him on his feet it seems for a moment that he has gotten bigger, but a blink and he looks even smaller than he did before. Huh. His little hands are wrapped tight around her wrist. “Where are you going?”  Such a nosy little thing, “Elsewhere, I’ll get more done without you and the others. Probably. Either way, try not to let Peridot loose, she’s liable to contact Home World and that wouldn’t help anyone.” With a gentle pat on the head she leaves the boy and climbs on the back of the motorcycle she helped fix. It’s easier to put on the helmet he gives her than argue about how much safer than him she is. And then they’re gone.


	9. Face Made from Porridge and Stew

The kitchen is a scene of tentatively controlled chaos. Bodies big and small, short and tall, old and young race through with only centimeters of clearance. A preschooler with curly red hair runs between Pearl’s legs with one of the house’s many pets right behind him. Lars’ cousin Christina shouts something more than likely vulgar before whapping another hand reaching for the chicken stew. “Wait your damn turn you fucking freak loader. Did your mother teach you no manners?”  Pearl carefully moves to stand in a corner content to watch, although she wishes she could assist with something. Standing by uselessly is making her fidget.

She can almost feel the phantom itch Rose programmed out of her ages ago. Laughter and Lapis is throwing potato peelings at one of the many cousins here. Tall and broad of shoulder he might be Carlos or Qing or Nobo – she honestly can’t tell and it bothers her. Or rather it bothers Samantha and the others and that bothers her. She wants them to, well, she doesn’t care if they like her – no. She would prefer to be liked, but she will accept not being disliked and that involves learning names. Which shouldn’t be _that_ hard except that she can’t be bothered. What is wrong with her?

“Hey, piba! What’s that look girl? Your face get any longer and it’s gonna be spreading across the floor. Hey! Yeah, you Gabriel. Get you and your filthy hands in the other room. Va! I didn’t stutter.” Throwing an apple at Gabriel’s head Christina opens the door to the garage and gives Pearl a look before nodding at it. Smiling, Pearl carefully steps over the children drawing on the weathered linoleum floor and then all but glides through the door. It’s something of a relief to be in the garage versus the kitchen… calmer for one thing and quiet for another. Sighing she finds herself leaning against a large rusty vehicle.

“So, you never answered my questions the other day. I mean – okay. When I said you weren’t likely to be my cousin’s side chick I meant that. I mean he’s like me, Lars is, and I ain’t exactly easy to get along with. I pick fights and talking to me is like trying to skip through a minefield. Like your name better be Riff-Raff ‘cause you gonna be tip-toeing.” Pearl studies the small, honey-toned woman with her soft black curls and big doe eyes. “If I may – what are you?”

Flushing slightly at the look directed her way Pearl tries again, “What I mean is – you appear to be a mash up of several ethnic groups. Could you tell me what they are?”  Christina continues staring for a moment before relaxing with a huff. “You know, I got co-workers who’d be reading you the riot act right now? Especially since you’re literally a white person. You so light you blush blue. Ha! But yeah we some mutts – some Asian, some black, lot of Latino.  Got a little of everything, and we’re scattered everywhere.”

The crickets fill the space as they watch the sky grow darker and the fireflies flicker in imitation of the stars shining above. Christina shivers and Pearl wonders if she’s cold. “Would you like a blanket?” A moment’s concentration and Pearl is holding a gift from a little old woman one thousand years gone. “Fuck. What even are you?” Christina stares at her with something not quite horror, but certainly not admiration… It is an unpleasant look to see directed at herself, and Pearl can feel her defenses locking into place once again.

“Wait. Wait. I’m sorry. I say awful things and I got a bad temper and I burn bridges like it was my job. That was rude. Soy una puta. I’m sorry, but like that’s why I need to know why you’re fucking around with my cousin. I mean – he’s always trying so damn hard! And the harder he tries to impress people, the more they don’t want nothing to do with him. So he’s like so fucking bitter! Like fifteen going on fifty and I’m so scared because I mean – I.” Someone blocks the light from the kitchen as they make a face at them. Christina waves them off with a raised middle finger and a laugh.

“Did you know that Lars had a big brother? It’s tragic how cliché it kind of is. Jamal was some kind of perfect, you know? Athletic and so smart and he could charm the moon from the sky. If he told you water was air you’d believe him because he told you so even if you were drowning. He was too big for such a small town. Everybody knew it, but no one thought – I don’t know. Just one day he was gone. No letters or nothing. Next time anyone sees him he’s freezer burnt meat clinging to stick-like bones.”

Standing Christina moves toward some of the boxes looming over in the back corner. Pearl watches for a moment and then turns her head to study the dance of the fireflies. She wonders what it means that some are blue and some are green, but most are yellow and orange. “Aha! Aqui esta, bastardo!” Looking over Pearl sees her holding something dingy and barely hanging together. It’s filthy and probably covered with who knows what contagions.

Shuffling over while flipping through the book Christina’s face erupts into a smile as she finds the page she’s looking for. “Okay, so look. See? That’s Lars. Sweet kid, you know?” The child in the picture does look …precious with eyes squeezed closed with glee and a huge smile that exposes the gaps in his teeth. He is the picture of joy as a larger boy who must be Jamal lifts him effortlessly into the air. “He looks happy.” Christina nods although she looks pensive now as her eyes rake over the picture. “He was. The thing is when Jamal left it kind of threw off the relationship between Lars and his folks.”

The album is set down on a nearby box as Christina takes a seat on the bench behind her. “Like, okay. Lars’ folks… They’re “respectable” with a nice house and a nice car and some nice jobs and they’re like super “normal”.  The thing is that normal people don’t have kids that run off. Normal people don’t have kids that die once they’ve run off. Normal people don’t have kids who internalize their trauma and become almost violently misanthropic. And so… they kind of resent that about him, especially since he hasn’t somehow magically become the second coming of Jamal – only he knows that and he, understandably, doesn’t appreciate that.”

“Hey! Where the fuck is Christina? I’m starving already!” A chorus of agreement as Christina rolls her eyes with a click of her tongue. “Pathetic. I am surrounded by children and morons. How is this my life? Hmm? Anyway, I guess my point maybe is that – look you’re some kind of different level shit and I honestly don’t want Lars anywhere near you. But he ain’t gonna listen to me and I don’t blame him. I got a lot of issues my damn self that I need to work on, but I need you to look out for him and not just use him. He’s a baby – not even sixteen. So just – just be careful with him. Okay?”

Not waiting for an answer Christina jumps up and slams open the door. “You’re all a bunch of freeloading parasites! Get away from the stove before I shove a knife into you.” Before Pearl can find the energy to get up the doorway is blocked by a familiar silhouette. “Hey! I hope you’re not cheating on me with my best friend. I’m not trying to be on daytime television.” Slamming the door behind her Samantha stomps over to lean against the vehicle with her. “So, did Tina give you the shovel talk? And if so did she make it about me or Lars?”

Taking a moment to study the substance filling the bowl cradled close to Sam’s chest Pearl tries not to panic regarding the issues of shovels and talks. “Um, I’m afraid I don’t understand. “Shovel talk”?”  Sam laughs before frowning, “Okay, so a shovel talk is like where… Basically, it’s a threat from loved ones toward a significant other regarding possible break-ups or something. It’s mostly a joke, but I wouldn’t put it pass Tina to legitimately kill and bury someone.  Like she’s both hot-blooded Latina and rooster-tempered Chinese… Which means once we’re official we can never break up – or she’ll attempt to kill you - or me. She’s weird like that.”

Shrugging Sam eats while Pearl just relaxes and breathes for a moment.  “She’s worried that I’m going to hurt him. Lars. That I’m going to get Lars killed. I don’t know what to say to that because I don’t know where we’re going with all of this. I have pl- I had a plan and I intend to follow it, but – I don’ know.” Something moves through the overgrown grass as a green firefly meets an orange one and winks out permanently.

“That’s okay. I mean plans are okay, but they can be limiting. Besides which if you had stuck with your original plan, then it’s not like we would have met.” Sam turns mischievous eyes on her as a faintly mocking smile curves her lips. “And we couldn’t have that, could we?”

An answering smile unfurls across Pearls face and suddenly they’re both laughing loud enough to scare the crickets into silence. “I don’t know why we’re laughing, but thank you – even if you are rather bold Sam.” The taller woman shrugs with an easiness that belies the rather serious look on her face.

“Eh, I like you as a friend and I’d liked to like you as more than a friend. Did I use the word like too much?” Long, pale fingers reach out to touch the blush barely visible in the dark. “Rose never blushed for me. And no, no you didn’t use ‘like’ too many times.”

Sam blushes brighter for a moment before turning her head away, “Yeah, well my dad says my vocabulary is hella small, but my dad is a loquacious prick with a hard-on for putting on airs.” Clicking her tongue against her teeth Sam suddenly spins around to stare Pearl in the face, “What about you? Do…saints above I’m gonna sound like a prick. Do you have parents or how do gems work?” Blinking Pearl finds herself in the odd position of wanting to laugh and sigh and cry all at the same time. Instead, she folds her hands in her lap and takes a deep breath. “Gems are not born, they are made.”


	10. Carry the Ghosts In for You

Pearl watches the lapis dance with shadows of herself made from water and want. It’s lovely but sad and she can’t figure out why.  A moth touches down on her knee and she finds herself holding her breath. It’s a moot point as a large pink lion appears out of a vortex with Steven’s father dangling from his mouth. Sadly the moth does not flutter away like she thought it would, instead the tiny creature twitches and then falls over to lie motionless on the ground. That shouldn’t be nearly as depressing as it is. ‘It’s not like it doesn’t have arms… even if it’s much too small to give hugs.’

“Um, hey! Think you could get Lion here to set me down? The underoos situation is getting a bit dire here.” The smile he gives here is not especially endearing. “Why is your lion pink? I did not think they came in the color.” It is with both fascination and disgust that she watches rings of sweat spread out from his armpits and collar. “Uh, well- Steven thinks this belonged to his mother, but we’re not really sure. Heck, we can barely get it to listen to any of us. Put me down, Lion. See!” The lion appears to be waiting for her input eyes alert and intelligent.

“Put him down Lion.” Mr. Universe hits the ground with a painful thud before whimpering a sincere thank you. The pink lion is enormous, but the fur she strokes her hands through is as soft as velvet. Burying her nose in his mane she smells something like lilies and honeysuckle and well water spoilt with blood.

One and two and then three tears race down each cheek, but she refuses to sob because it doesn’t matter. Tears don’t bring back the dead whether they’re magical or not. “Pearl?” The lapis stands awkwardly looking between her and Rose’s Lion and the human still lying on the floor watching them. “It’s fine.  Do you want to come sit by me?”

They both know it’s not a request, but the lion has already begun a deep rumbling in his massive chest. Watching the look of uncertainty on Lapis’ face morph to a look of loathing is fascinating in a sick way. It is also very annoying, but what can she do? “Christina says there is a small pond some distance north. Do you want to investigate it?” Nodding the other gem is gone so quickly it could be teleportation. Almost immediately Lion calms himself and lies by her feet. Greg pulls himself up and scoots a bit closer.

It’s easy to ignore him and so she does. The contrast of her skin against the creature is ever so interesting, almost as much as the thought that Rose left this for her. Oh, but she is so pathetic clinging to the idea that Rose could ever really care about her. What did she ever have to offer to someone like Rose? And 500 years spent wandering from system to system playing war games and disappearing under the surface of alien seas has taught her nothing. “If I ask you a serious question… Are you going to hurt me?”

Her hand stops and the lion raises its head to look at her before directly what is surely a glare at the human. “Why would you ask something like that? Am I really that frightening?” The human rubs his neck with one fat hand as a bead of sweat runs from the crown of his bald head to drip from his chin. What did Rose see in him? There must be something there –she must be missing it. “Well, the first time we met you did try to run a spear through me. And all I said that time was hello.” He isn’t wrong.

She returns to stroking Rose’s – she returns to stroking Steven’s lion. “I owe you an apology. To be honest I doubt you’ll ever get it. I don’t really apologize. I simply lack the ability to.” And that is as big a lie as Pearl has ever told, but he doesn’t need to know that. He doesn’t deserve to know that. Her hand disappears into the lion’s mane and there is nothing but empty air around her fingers. She does well not to gasp as her eyes widen to the size of dinner plates.

“You left… and I don’t think Rose ever got past that. Sometimes we would sit on the beach by my van and she would stare up at the sky.” Pearl pulls her hand from the creature’s mane and tries not to shiver. She needs to focus and so she looks to her right at the human staring up at the stars with tears in his eyes. She wants to gather them in her hand and she wants to slap him and she wants to run away screaming. She doesn’t understand and she doesn’t want to understand.

“She wrote a song for you. And no matter how I try I can’t forget the lyrics or the melody or the way she yearned for you. I never even met you and you were like some sort of poltergeist tearing Rose away from me! We could be laughing about something and then she’d get that look on her face and start searching the sky.” And now his eyes are brimming over with tears, but to hold these would scald her as though she cup her hands beneath a fount of acid. She sighs burying her hands in the lion’s fur to keep them safe and sound.

“And? I ran away Mr. Universe. I built a ship from spare parts and fueled it with bitterness. I wanted gone. If you couldn’t keep your precious broodmare’s attention that’s no concern of mine.” He looks like she’s struck him and his tears of anger have cooled to grief as they spill down his sunburnt cheeks. He looks like an injured child, and she almost reaches out to comfort him. Almost. She is a pearl, not a rose quartz and despite her former mistress, she has no great love for the naked apes of this planet. Even so, her eyes find themselves fixed on the soft pink fur of her newest pet.

“Well, you never said you wouldn’t hurt me. I guess that’s what I get.” A sudden shiver ripples through him and she finds herself materializing the blanket Christina rejected. She tosses it over him and then lies back in the cold, wet grass. Her eyes close as the lion adjusts its self to cover her legs and belly. She listens to the human give a watery laugh before sniffling and then moving. She is almost surprised to feel him lying next to her – and then he covers them both with the blanket to her shock.  Blue meets black as she opens her eyes to find him looking back at her.

The crooked grin on his face could be endearing, “I know gems don’t get cold, but it’s comforting anyway, right?” She looks away and studies the sky. “So what was your question? You never asked.” He moves closer still and she almost laughs because at least now she knows where Steven gets it. Rose was never so tactile. Not with her. But then who would possibly want to be with a dysfunctional pearl? His head is resting on a shoulder more bone than flesh and it can’t possibly be comfortable, but she – she pulls him so that his head rests on her fragile chest. “I can feel you blushing Mr. Universe.”

He snorts and then mutters something she doesn’t bother to catch. “I want to – well… Maybe you could start?  I mean you have to have some questions or something.” Her chest gives a weird hiccup as she smothers a chuckle. She has nothing but questions. “Why Steven? Why – did she not know what would happen? That she would just disappear? Has she disappeared? Is she – is she somewhere inside him and what if she’s- Why did she do this? Was she really so miserable?”

Barely she manages to clamp her teeth down on her lip hard enough to draw blood if she were made of flesh instead of starlight and regrets. And still she can almost see the shape of her next question: Could I have saved her? As though there was ever a question of the outcome. Because of course, she would have failed. She breathes a little deeper and clenches her spidery hands into tight little fists. It takes so much of her not to check her hands for pink dust. 

Another deep breath and she finally notices that the human – Steven’s father is talking and seems to have been talking for a while now.  “-yes and yes and no. I could never get a straight answer out of her. I mean I probably could have, but I didn’t want to push considering how… Sometimes she would just kind of collapse as though the entire world were on her shoulders. I didn’t want to add to that, so I never really pushed and maybe I should have and maybe it wouldn’t matter in the long run.”

She brushes her fingertips over his scalp listening to him shudder through a sigh. “She said something was coming, something we never had a chance of stopping and that we needed something more. Something different…I wanted…I could have been a star.” A breeze sweeps through and the human – Mr. Universe digs into her side searching for warmth she simply doesn’t have, but she can try for him – just once.

“Humans are not enormous collections of combustible gas, Mr. Universe.” He makes a confused sound, before looking up at her with a grin she can barely catch in the darkness. “Nah, I- I used to sing and stuff. I made an album and I went on tour. Beach city was just supposed to be a stop on the way to Ocean Town.”  ‘Mothers shield us he’s crying again.’ “Sorry, I just never really had anyone to tell this to. I mean, Garnet was trying to stay together and Ame was just so mad and none of us knew how much Steven actually understood.”

This she understands: he was alone and hurting. She manifests a heart and sets it beating slowly. Her left hand rubs slow circles on his back. For a moment she almost stops when he begins to cry harder, but then he buries his messy face into the side of her neck…leaving her to sigh at the filth. “I could have been so mu-much more than this, but I wanted to be wi-with her and she left me! She gave me Steven but she left me and -” “And you wonder what you meant to her or if you meant anything at all.”

She doesn’t tell him that that’s why she left. Then again she doesn’t have to. Which is just as well, because she isn’t sure what to say now. “Mr. Universe, your name is ridiculous.” He stops crying and stares at her with big eyes filled more with confusion than tears. And then he laughs. She watches him laugh with his whole body and wonders if it’s as tiring as it looks. Giving a mental shrug Pearl decides that laughing fit to burst something is an improvement over being a sobbing wreck.

She watches him wind down and tries not to think about Rose searching the skies. “Oh, I needed that, but you never answered my question.” She looks from his bright eyes to the firefly perched upon a hand she doesn’t remember raising. Its abdomen glows a soft purple and she’s almost sure that shouldn’t be possible. “Oh, that’s a rare one – I haven’t seen one since I was a kid. There used to be more of them then.”

And suddenly she despises this worthless little primate. She loathes his flabby body and lack of cranial hair. She hates that he trusts her not to hurt him; that he seems to have forgiven her attacks. She resents that he understood Rose enough… That he seems to have seen things it took her millennia to gleam.  And she’s so damn tired. Sitting up she shoves him off to his bewilderment.

“What do you want me to say Mr. Universe? That you were special? I can’t – maybe you were but there were so many others. Men who were more handsome, more intelligent, more creative and caring. Women who were beautiful, brilliant, dynamic, and amazing. There were aliens and there were beasts. Rose had no standards…only a hunger for everything…” At least he doesn’t cry, but it would almost be better if he did.

Instead, she seems to have – she feels like a thief or a murderer because the light in his eyes is absent. Not dimmed or darkened, but gone like she broke something fragile inside him. It hurts – and she doesn’t know why. “I’m sorry. I should have lied, but I can’t find the energy to do so. I’m so very tired Greg. I really am.” And she’s looking down at her hands when he leans into her. “You said my name.” Their laughter scatters the fireflies into a swarming cloud of lights.


	11. Before I only lost the time to know you

Greg has been gone for hours, but their conversation from this morning continues to bother her. ‘If Humans are so distasteful to you, why are you here?’ Honestly, she doesn’t even know where the topic came from. Pearl had thought that they had made progress the night before. Maybe? Why does she even bother? She doesn’t understand people.

Dropping her face into her hands with a groan Pearl wishes she understood the problem. Or maybe she just wishes she understood what to change about herself so there would be no problems. It has to be something wrong with her since she’s the only common denominator. So what is it? Pulling at her hair she imagines her form softening into something Steven’s size.

“Come on Lion.” Climbing on the large creature’s furry back Pearl decides to just ignore it. The reasons for her return are less important than the fact she has returned. Breathing out as the great cat settles into a loping run Pearl lets thoughts of Lars and Samantha and humans in general float away.

As a smile carves itself onto her face the Renegade Pearl laughs, “Faster Lion!”The land sweeps by going from grass to forest to grass and rock to desert. She wonders if they can just keep running. Wonders if it might be best to just never stop and her cheeks ache from the grimace her grin has become. “Faster…take me somewhere safe.”  And Lion roars opening a portal just ahead of them. There isn’t time to scream.

That doesn’t stop her from trying anyway. Letting go she hits the hard floor of a very familiar cave. “How?” There isn’t any point in finishing her thought. The Lion watches her as its large pink tongue swipes over its muzzle. Pearl ignores it in favor of cataloging the changes time has wrought on the chamber. Rose’s secret chamber.

The air is thick and stale, but otherwise nothing has changed. There isn’t even dust to show the passage of time or if anyone has been here. Does Steven know about this place? Has anyone even maybe thought to tell him about his mother as a leader of gems or a general? Has anyone even thought to tell him anything at all? And even as she asks herself this Pearl already knows the answer – no. They’re too scared to do it.

And it seems so strange to think that as she runs her fingers over the operating panel. To think that Garnet is too cowardly or Amethyst is too cautious. If anyone were to be too scared to speak it would be – it should have been her, but she wasn’t here. Instead, those who were here just – overcompensated. “Of course, it’s always my fault somehow.”

Lion pushes his head under her hand and she sighs. “What are you, Lion? I wish someone would tell me.” The large animal gives a rumble that echoes through this space before shoving forward – and Pearl finds herself falling into nowhere. Landing face down somewhere soft the gem can only huff a bitter laugh before pushing herself up to look around. ‘There isn’t any air here. How strange.’

Well, that and how everything including the sky is pink. She sits in the tall grass and watches it wave in a wind she can’t feel. ‘Why does it move if there is no air?’ She could sit here all day or night. She could, but what would be the point? Standing she finds the grass comes up to her thighs. You’d barely be able to see poor Steven if he were here. She wishes he were – he deserves this. And Greg? Greg who wonders what he has to offer Steven and still has nightmares about sending his son through a car wash. Yes, he should probably be here as well.

Sighing she sits back down and wraps her arms around her legs. She should wait before she does anything. For all her airs she sucks at planning ahead. The Lion had, after all, found Steven all on its own since the boy isn’t allowed on missions yet. As such the Lion must be meant for him… but if it is will Steven ever be ready for what it might contain?

Pearl had meant what she said when she told Greg that he was a decent person who actually listened and talked to other people. ‘The fact you could – that you can open your heart to a species that seems to exist only to clear the galaxy of other forms of life is far more magical than the ability to jump really high.’  Of course, he had nearly cried on her again… So much crying on this planet – it must be all the salt water found here.

Before she can over think things again Pearl stands and manifests a hologram of Greg from her gem. Taking its hand she begins to walk toward the only visible landmark. As she gets closers it’s possible to see that the landmark is a tree set upon a hill with things set around it. Including a bubbled gem – she stops and kneels. Even from here it’s possible to tell what or rather who the gem is: Bismuth. Why?

Beside her, the hologram quietly flickers out as her concentration fails. Bismuth is in a bubble and – everyone thought she died before… Is she a monster? Did Homeworld do this? Why is she here instead of – why would Rose? Pearl curls into herself with her hands over her ears and her face set in a scream. She doesn’t know how long she stays like that. There is no sun above.

She wishes Christina were here to offer suggestions or to just tell her to stop moping. She wishes Sam were here with her smiles and blushes and odd turns of speech. She wishes this wasn’t just another reason to hate Earth because she’s hated Earth since the moment she first heard its designation. It’s like some part of her knew it’d be the turning point of a shitty life into complete sewage.

She- she… She wonders if it would be so bad to see the Earth destroyed. And that’s what makes her a monster. That’s what makes her so defective - how easily she allows her mind to explore evil options if it might make her feel better. And yet, why should she care about the Earth?

Especially since she can surely build something big enough to carry away everyone she cares about: Steven and Sam and Garnet and Amethyst and Lars and Christina and Greg - and they would never forgive her. Only she’s not sure she cares because at least they’d be alive not to forgive her. Not like Rose or Pink Diamond. But no she is a monster.

Well if she’s worthless and a monster, then she and Bismuth can be defective rejects together. Maybe they can be better. Rubbing away tears the tall, lanky gem runs toward the tree. She ignores everything except the bubble holding Bismuth and what looks like a black thing that says ‘For Steven’. The rest doesn’t matter.

With a jump, she phases out of Lion’s mane and then puts Bismuth’s bubble into her gem. The creature Rose made looks her as though waiting for instructions. “Go to Steven. Give him this.” Taking the black object delicately between enormous teeth it turns and runs off into another portal. Scrubbing her face Pearl shrugs and turns to leave – it’s about time she checked on her ship anyway.


	12. Between the Raindrops

It’s dark when she reaches the fields. Somehow she finds herself on a lonely hill overlooking a field of strawberries and death. The moon’s light picks out weapons and the glitter of gem shards so numerous they rival the stars in the sky. It looks like some impossible sea and she wishes she could drink it down until it filled in all the echoing spaces within her. Wishes she could swallow enough to drown in it, but gems don’t need to breathe…not even defective pearls.

Her storage space fills heavy with the imagined weight of Bismuth’s bubble. It could be guilt or it could be betrayal. She wants to leave, but if she leaves what will become of Steven? Something flies by with a gem winking from the area of its chest. She doesn’t care so long as it doesn’t attack. She just wants to visit her ship – she isn’t running away.

She was never that smart.

The ship is perfectly fine and she should be ashamed of how completely childish she’s been in thinking the others would hurt it. Garnet isn’t cruel and Amethyst is – she’s not a bad person. She just spent too much time alone with nothing but rocks and shadows to talk to. So people aren’t always real to Amethyst and her little cruelties have to be forgiven.

That can be hard to do when said Gem is glaring daggers between one’s shoulder blades. Not that it matters – not after five centuries of Pearl telling herself that the others would never forgive her. Not when Pearl can’t even forgive herself – because she simply doesn’t care. Love is kind, but it is also smothering. ‘So hard to breathe with warm little purple arms wrapped tight around your neck.’

Running her hand along the sleek lines of her ship Pearl wonders if she should say something. It doesn’t feel awkward to her, this silence, and she is loath to make it awkward. Or if she could just once be honest, she is loathed to face the consequences of her actions. She is tired of apologies. Tired of stepping around the edges of burned out wrecks where once relationships laid.

“What’s the matter? Cat got your tongue Pearl?” There are so many ways to parley this into a dance of words; all while knowing that Amethyst could never hope to keep up. And Amethyst is wonderful, but she is also lazy and miserly with her efforts. They could save all the shouting for another day or maybe a month of Sundays after that. But then again what would be the challenge of that?

“No, I just don’t understand what your problem is. Have I offended you?” It’s easy to stand there with her head tilted just so and her eyes so wide with innocent confusion. It’s easy to watch a look of shock morph into anger. It’s so easy… like kicking over a tower of blocks. “You left me!”

And suddenly the moment is present – Pearl is present. And the air is too cool and thick enough to choke on. There are tears on a small purple face and that’s not fair. Amethyst doesn’t cry. She can’t cry because she’s Amethyst.  Still, the words seem to echo and all Pearl can do is stare ahead like some gem cracked fool.

“I didn’t –“ “Yes you did!” And you promised to always be there, just like Rose did and then you both left me! I hate you!” What does one say to that?  ‘Sorry?’ ‘Mea Culpa?’ ‘My promises are worthless?’ “You can, hate me I mean, if it makes you feel better. I honestly don’t care. I don’t have the energy or the withal to bother with any of this. If you’d like you can try carving my tongue out of my head, but I doubt you’ll get any lingering satisfaction from that.” And the tears stop like a tap turned off.

“What is wrong with you? You didn’t used to be like this.” And that’s not true at all, “Oh, but I was and I am. That’s part of why I left. I just didn’t have the space within me to … I don’t know. To hold back all the bile I guess. I do apologize if you feel like you were abandoned. That was never my intention.” Sitting with her back against the white bulkhead she continues to stroke Pearl watches Amethyst watch her. “Your face is a mess. Come here.”

Slowly and with her lip stuck out sulkily the little purple gem comes to sit in Pearl’s lap. It’s easier to use her manifested shirt to wipe up the tears then summon a handkerchief. The idea of Bismuth’s bubble popping out is absurd, but also fairly nauseating and so the taller gem finds herself swallowing back salty bile. Even so, her hands are gentle and the child size gem in her lap is gradually relaxing.

“Garnet says you have a human girlfriend. Are you two knocking boots yet? Doing the dirty? Making the beast with two backs? Doing the Princeton Slide and the horizontal tango? Having a love handshake? Inserting tab P into slot V? Waxing that a-?” Blinking Pearl is barely aware of her hand being licked, but at least it’s quieter now.

“I- Where in the world did you learn all these terms? And if you’re asking if we fucked, then yes of course, it isn’t like it was invented yesterday. I mean, I don’t much care for playing receiver, but I do like – well honestly that isn’t really your business.” The enormous eyes Amethyst is making at her are funny. “Something the matter?”

Nodding because she can’t seem to pull Pearl’s hand off her mouth the smaller gem transforms into a mouse and then back into herself. “Ye-eah! You said fuck!  You can’t do that! I mean you don’t curse or eat or disappear for five hundred years in a space ship. And you brought back a Peridot and you hurt like everyone’s feelings and you – and you are just like the most _im_ possible **bitch**! And where the hell did that Lapis Lazuli come from?”

Well, there isn’t much that can be said to that. Or there isn’t much that Pearl wants to say to that. So she doesn’t and instead her attention falls on the enormous strawberries around them. Would they be poisonous to a human? Does Steven like strawberries? Does Steven count as a human? Would they be even more poisonous because Steven isn’t quite human? “Are you even listening to me? What the fuck Pearl?”

Swinging her attention back to the amethyst is difficult. “Lapis came out of a mirror I had in my gem. They’re very useful, you know. Especially on a planet like this one where there’s so much water everywhere.”  Groaning the amethyst throws her hands in the air and stomps off a little ways away. “Why did you even come back? What’s the point? You hate this place.”

And between the space of one moment and the next Pearl is shaking the amethyst. Pearl is shaking her Amethyst. “Shut up you little brat. Shut up and listen for once instead of throwing yet another temper tantrum. Do you honestly want to know why I’m here? I’ll tell you – I have no fucking idea!” Letting go and stepping back Pearl finds herself pacing as her hands tangle themselves in her hair.

“Or worse I have too many ideas. Maybe I want it to mean something. I mean just look at where we are! What the hell has Garnet told you? Do you think the War was a damn game? I promise it wasn’t. It was horrible, not least because I had to smile and stay cheerful even as all my friends were stolen from me.” And she tries not to think of Bismuth locked away in a bubble for seven hundred years. Tries not to think of a desperate search for any pieces, because there had been stories even then of what home world did to gems.

“Okay, so maybe… Just maybe – maybe I want it to mean something. Maybe I want the gems I cracked and crushed and bubbled to have not been in vain. Or more likely maybe I just want to be vindictive. Maybe I just want the diamonds to fail…maybe I want their pathetic little plans to crash and burn while I spit on the ashes. Or maybe it’s both or maybe I loved them – Pink Diamond and Rose and they loved this worthless little mud ball and so I’m going to protect it even if I hate it. Why not?”

And the wind runs through the fields leaving a melody behind it like raindrops striking chimes. “Or I’m lying and it’s easier than admitting I missed you – not Garnet or Rose. I missed you and I know how much you love being here and being you. So I will save this world for you even if I would love nothing so much as to watch it burn.” And there is a softness under her hand as Amethyst leans against her leg. “P, you are so messed up.” She doesn’t laugh because it’s very true. “I know small one. I know.”


	13. Chapter 13

Their relationship is still more then idea of one, then an actual thing, but at least Pearl thinks they can work together. She is rather less sure about Bismuth. What does Bismuth think happened? Was she a traitor or was Rose? Or maybe they both were. This is stupid. She should talk to Garnet – or

 

… Actually if this were very likely to go bad wouldn’t Garnet already know? Pearl finds her long fingers rubbing gently at her temples as she sighs. “Future Vision” had always been something of an issue with it neither as omnipresent nor as omnipotent as everyone hoped it would be.

 

  
Directing her gaze at the innocent seeming gem in her lap Pearl breathes another sigh. “You used to say that no one could predict what they couldn’t see, it’s one of the reasons Garnet was blessed fond of you.” The space around her swallows her words like Amethyst attacking a cake. “Your forge is much less welcoming without you here Bismuth.” Except that she is here and all Pearl has to do is stop being a coward. How bad could it possibly end up being? Bismuth wasn’t crazy… And even if she were, it isn’t like she was the best fighter. She wasn’t made for it. ‘Neither were you.’ “Fuck.”

 

 

The pretty pink bubble is a memory before she has time to think and the strange, metallic gem that was once one of her closest friends rises. Pearl feels like she should look away, as though she were watching someone dress. But that’s silly, well no, it’s stupid actually. Because if the quickly forming gem is mad, then she will have opportunity to strike first and that can’t be allowed. Either way it’s not really important, because soon enough Bismuth is standing there looking for an enemy years gone.

 

 

“The hey? Where’s … Who?” The exhale Pearl gives is too faint to be heard, but it still calls the larger gem’s attention to her. There’s a moment of hesitation and then a smile as bright as the rainbow locks adoring Bismuth’s head. “Pearl!” And suddenly the slender gem is being swept off her feet and gathered to Bismuth’s broad chest.

 

 

“Where you even come from? And – god … Di-do … Where’s Rose?” She should be more tactful, but really –

 

“She’s dead. Has been for something like thirteen years. Why did she bubble you Bismuth?”

 

 

She isn’t thrown to the ground like vermin, and that is something Pearl will consider a victory – albeit a hopelessly minor one. The fact her hands hang still and loose is another more significant victory as Bismuth stomps away from her. The lines of tension in the former’s back could be a declaration of violent intent and Pearl has long since learned her lesson about ignoring such things. Still, if she pulls out her weapon, then Bismuth will pull out her own and all will be lost. It’s fine. Bismuth won’t hurt her. Probably.

 

 

“Have … Did we win?” And maybe they should have just fought. What’s a cracked gem compared to this? “I guess that depends on what you mean by won. If you mean everybody survived and thrived … then no. We lost – badly. If you mean that Home World left? Then yes, we won – barely. But most of our friends and comrades were either corrupted or shattered and fused into something called the Cluster.” And those lines of tension are growing into a promise of rage and violence.

 

 

“So, I was right. I told Rose that if we didn’t shatter the diamonds they would destroy us all. And – she stabbed me with the sword I made her. And look what’s happened? And her too much a coward or a weakling to deal with her mistakes. Pathetic.” And there is a part of Pearl that agrees. The same part that would sometimes imagine breaking Rose’s gem. Because it looked so much like Pink Diamond’s and the mess would be so pretty. Like walking on a carpet made of stars. Considering Rose didn’t like to show her back to her very often perhaps she knew.

 

  
Suddenly finding her view filled by Bismuth’s chest Pearl startles and then huffs a laugh. “Why are you laughing? Why are you here?” That’s the question, isn’t it? Why not let sleeping dogs lie? “Because I need you.” The sharp bark of laughter is enough to have Pearl’s gem briefly glow. A fact Bismuth has noticed if the vicious sneer distorting her mouth is anything to go by. “You need me now? No. You needed me then.” Grinding one large fist into the palm of her other hand (her weak hand) Bismuth curves into herself with a painful groan.

 

  
“Bis-- ” “I could have saved them! They didn’t have to die!” And again comes the thought that this bismuth was entirely too empathetic for her own good. “They aren’t dead – they’re suffering. That’s why I need you here to help me.” The grey-skinned gem growls and then turns away to study her forge. Wrapping her arms around herself she looks lost, but also deranged and completely unapproachable. “Please. If Steven were older I could use him, but he’s too young and small and untested. It would overwhelm him if not destroy him all together.”

 

  
One bright eye turns to study her, before Bismuth stalks over. “Steven?” It’s almost enough to drag up a laugh, but instead she summons a hologram of little Steven. “This is Rose’s child. His name is Steven. He has a human father named Greg and a pink pet lion named Lion. He’s something never seen before: a gem-human hybrid.” Bismuth seems to be somewhere between appalled and curious. “He has a gem?” Nodding Pearl gives a mental shrug, “It used to belong to Rose, but it’s his now… I guess.”

 

  
Shaking her head violently Bismuth turns away. “How do you know it isn’t her? It could just be a trick.” And it’d be easy enough to agree. Rose was always more tricky then she pretended to be. “He isn’t. He’s like them – the humans. He needs to eat and sleep and … other things. And he’s warm and soft and he smells like the sea and he doesn’t understand what any of this means. He’s just a child. A baby.” Watching Bismuth’s hands rake through their owner’s colorful hair is almost hypnotic. If not for the aggressiveness they exhibit or the way her shoulders rock as she tries to separate Rose’s child from Rose.

 

  
“I-I can’t! All our friends and allies dead! Because Rose couldn’t understand reason. How do I look past that? How can you? Did they mean nothing to you?” And Pearl can feel her gem beginning to glow because –

 

 

Exhaling she closes her eyes despite how utterly foolish that is. “I cared enough about them to need to leave this gemforsaken trash heap of a planet for half a millennium. I cared enough that I missed Rose’s passing. I cared enough that I ended up cracked for centuries. Cared enough that I fought and defeated a Moisenette as well as the Perfect Jasper before coming back here. I cared enough to find you.”

 

  
Opening fathomless eyes Pearl stares down the bismuth. There is a timeless moment where it could end in a fight, but then Bismuth seems to back down. The swinging hammer is not nearly as much of a surprise as it should be. The feeling in her chest like her heart just broke – that’s a bit of a shock, but then again … Apparently she and Bismuth aren’t friends. Maybe they never were friends – how could they be when Bismuth insists on this fucking fight?

 

  
“You were always her dog. You were the one always waiting to lick her gem clean after she dirtied it with those apes. You’re probably lying. I could have save them!” And there is so much sadness here, but all Pearl can feel is fatigue and a growing anger. She doesn’t want to fight anymore; has never wanted to fight. Yet here is another sword in her hand. Why?

 

  
Two hammers and stretching arms – but Bismuth was never the best fighter. Too slow and predictable as the moon following the sun … Even more so when angry like she is now. A child could defeat her. Well, maybe not Steven, but Connie or perhaps Lars. “I already told you. They aren’t dead. They’re fucking suffering! And Steven isn’t his mother! He is a child who would be overwhelmed if not destroyed all together by this.” And Bismuth is screaming as Pearl effortless beats her back.

 

 

“You have no idea - ” And suddenly Pearl is smacking Bismuth across the face with the flat of her sword. “Imbecile! The curse of the cluster only happened because we shattered Pink Diamond. Your weapon would have been the end of the war only because it would have been the end of us! The diamonds could have always ended the war at any time – we never had a damn chance. It was all a damn illusion. Wake up and stop being a damn child!”

 

  
Her shout echoes as Bismuth looks up at her from the ground eyes wide and filled with tears. “I trusted her, but she couldn’t be bothered to trust me. To trust us. How many would have agreed with my idea… How many might have been saved?” The forge is dark and suffocating and Pearl has never wanted to see the sky as much as she does right now …

 

  
Dropping the sword and flinching at the ring it gives against the stone floor Pearl sighs. “There are some things you can’t apologize for and I guess this is one of them. Garnet is trying to get over my actions and Rose abandoning everyone here. But Sapphire isn’t and Ruby isn’t nearly as trusting as she used to be. Ame will never really forgive or forget… I don’t know how Steven feels. I don’t think he really gets it yet …” 

 

 

That’s less an answer than a nonsequitor, but what is there to really say? So instead she sits next to Bismuth and studies the far wall. “I miss your old outfit.” Pearl had never realized before what ‘helpless laughter’ was, but it’s …

 

 

“What is going to become of us?” And there’s no answer but the echoes of laughter.

**Author's Note:**

> I just want Pearl to see the stars - and to also go the opposite route of woobification. I want an angry, vengeful Pearl that is indifferent to Steven and that hates to be touch. A Pearl that never wanted to fight, but who has lost the ability to do anything else. A Pearl that hated Pink Diamond and Rose Quartz, but who also loved them both to distraction. 
> 
> I want the angry, dangerous, broken Pearl fandom goes on about - one who would never hurt a child, but can't be bothered to save one either. Also, Lars needs a skinny little friend who is a seriously bad influence. Yeah, this is going to be fun.


End file.
